First Off, Happy New Year! 2011 was cool, 2012 will be better blah blah blah. Down to business. About 65% of Americans are fat. What most people don’t realize is there isn’t one type of fat person. There are 10 types of fat people, maybe even more! If you go out fatty spotting or observing or hunting, here are some types of fat people you might run into, and where.

The Clueless Fatty

This fatty represents the typical American. Americans gain an average of .4 to 1.8 pounds per year their entire adult lives. This gradual weight gain makes it harder for people to notice they’re fat. They run the rat race of life buying bigger size pants every year and eating fast food for lunch every day. They feel average and see everyone else around them as average too.

Where to spot them: Everywhere you look

The Skinny Fatty

The most despicable type of fatty…usually because they’re vegetarian or vegan and I hate vegetarians and vegans. They don’t eat any animal products and instead munch on “healthy” soy nuggets. Their muscles wither away and they’re left looking like a deflated balloon. They have a high body fat percentage just like “regular” fat people but think they’re healthy because they don’t eat animal products.

Where to spot them: Organic food stores, ordering skinny soy latte’s at shops, PETA rallies.

The Fat Denial Fatty

They aren’t fat, they’re curvy. The fat denial fatty thinks she’s hot and hates skinny bitches. They wear skimpy clothes to show off their “sexy and huge” boobs and butts. They don’t see any problem with how they look and they’re the one’s leading the big is beautiful movement. Anyone who is in shape is ugly and has a flat butt and no boobs.

Where to spot them: Clubs, Victoria’s Secret, the beach

The Fat and Proud Fatty

Our buddy Donna Simpson!

This is a rare breed of fatty. They are very similar to the fat denial fatty in that they’re proud of their bodies, except they’ve actually accepted they’re fat. They know they’re fat,  they don’t care, and they don’t want to do anything about it. They aren’t bothered by people making fun of their weight because frankly, they really don’t give a shit. They gloriously march (or ride their mobility scooters) toward diabetes, heart disease and death with no fear and enjoy every bite of food along the way.

Where to spot them: Supermarkets, Buffets

The Dieting Fatty

The dieting fatty thinks he’s healthy, and loves to tell you how you can be healthy too. They’re always on the latest fad diet and preaching about it’s effectiveness. They can tell you about every diet that doesn’t work and love to launch into their story. “I’ve tried Atkins, South Beach, The Zone Diet, The grapefruit diet, you name it I’ve tried it. They all worked okay, but I couldn’t seem to keep the weight off.” read: “When I started eating garbage again, I gained all the weight back.” Go figure, what a shocker. They’re sure what they are doing currently is the best diet out there.

Where to spot them: the gym, the workplace

The Big Boned Fatty

Also known as the genetic fatty. It isn’t their fault they’re overweight because it’s genetic. Apparently it’s in their genes to eat junk food all day. This type of fatty loves to make excuses as to why they’re fat. They’ll say things like “If I don’t eat enough, I’ll get dizzy,” or “I would workout, but I have arthritis in my knees.” Nothing is ever their fault and they love when other people feel sorry for their genetic predispositions. They also love talking about their weight “issues.”

Where to spot them: the workplace, social events

The Healthy Fatty

The healthy fatty knows everything about being fit. They rattle off statistics about how technically, fat people are healthier than, well…healthy people. They tell you about how they went to the gym earlier and did 2 hours of cardio and an hour of weights. They like to wear headbands and sweatbands to the gym and give you pointers on how you can better your form on the machines. They eat salads in front of others and say “wow, I don’t know how you can eat all that.” They then go home and eat a ton so they have enough energy for tomorrow’s workout.

Where to spot them: The gym, the workplace

The “Big” Fatty

These guys are true bro’s. They’ll tell  you how much they bench and they’ve counted and can tell you how many beers they’ve consumed in their entire lives. They grunt and scream and slam the weights down at the gym. They wear shirts that say things like “XXXL BITCH!” or “HUGE.” They read every muscle magazine and they take 20 supplements so they can stay “big.” They love to reminisce about their days during high school football.

Where to spot them: The gym, bouncing at a bar, football games

The Funny Fatty

Let’s face it, fat is funny! The funny fatty may be the most interesting breed of fatty. They’re almost always male. They want to be the life of the party and tell jokes about their weight and make everyone laugh. They’re usually a hallow shell on the inside. They were ridiculed when they were in grade school so they decided to become the funny guy in high school. They desperately want a girlfriend and think berating themselves is the way to a lady’s heart.

Where to spot them: Comedy clubs, parties, any Judd Apatow movie

The SSBBW

Susanne Eman

The SSBBW. Myth? They’ve chosen this name for themselves. If you ever see one, consider yourself lucky, it’s uncertain if they even exist!

Where to spot them: Uh…not sure