Monthly Archives: November 2011

Fat is not funny

Posted by fattylanes in fat fun, fat jokes and tagged with , , , , , , ,

Ok I lied it’s still funny. It just isn’t funny for Thomas Hunt. Thomas is suing his former boss for making fat jokes directed towards him. His former boss told him to walk around the building during his 30 minute lunch break. She didn’t give him a promotion because of his fat appearance. She told him at a staff meeting she learned to keep her mouth shut when clearly he hadn’t…because he was eating cookies.

Hunt claims her criticism was discriminatory and humiliating. I think he should have just fired back at her. I’m sure he could have made a joke about her driving or told her to go vacuum and clean the furniture (this isn’t a women stereotype blog people that’s all i can think of). Maybe Thomas just needs a compassionate boss like Michael Scott

Black Friday

Posted by fattylanes in fat fun and tagged with , , , ,

It’s black friday. No way fatty’s are braving the cold and rushing out to shop for their favorite fatty products. Let’s face it, You’ll be sitting in your lazy boy shopping on amazon.com, and probably finding better deals than most of the idiots who were camped out for days to save 100$ on a tv.

In between buys, you need to refuel. Some say Thanksgiving is a day to give thanks, but in truth, black friday is. The inlaws are gone and you don’t have work today either…and there’s a fridge full of leftovers. Make yourself a fatty lane pie to celebrate the glorious day. Take a pie tin. Shove stuffing around the edges to make a crust. Fill with mashed potatoes, turkey, cranberries, sweet potatoes, and whatever else you have left over. Smother it with gravy and place in the oven until it’s piping hot. Enjoy(but make sure you blow on it first).

Pregame Thanksgiving Links

Posted by fattylanes in fat fun and tagged with , , , , ,

Everyone’s favorite holiday is just one day away. Here are some links to get you into the Thanksgiving Spirit!

Who says you need to be fat to eat like a champion? 105 pound Sonya Thomas ate 5.25 pounds of turkey in 10 minutes making her the winner of the Manhattan Turkey Eating Contest.

Are you planning to deep-fry your turkey? Here are some tips to make sure you don’t burn your house down.

Sick of traditional turkey? Make a Turducken Wrapped in Bacon for Thanksgiving. Here are 10 other ways to cook a turkey.

What is Thanksgiving like at the Death star?Looks like trouble. When in-laws come over, disaster is inevitable.

Awww this is what a baby turkey looks like! Enjoy eating his mother tomorrow…unless she’s one of the turkeys being issued a pardon :)

 

 

 

Fatty Lane Guide: Dominate Thanksgiving Trivia

Posted by fattylanes in Fatty Lane Guide and tagged with , , , ,

When your Thanksgiving guests/family/enemies try to be the life of the party by telling everyone how healthy they are eating only white meat and not gaining weight, you need to be ready with a comeback to put them in their place. Here’s a list of some lame phrases “healthy” people like to say on Thanksgiving and how to one-up them in front of everyone with awesome trivia…because everyone knows that’s what family gatherings and holidays are REALLY about.

The Overall Meal

They Say: “the average American gains 5 pounds over the holidays.”

You say: “Well the average American consumes 2,000-4,000 calories on Thanksgiving Day. Have fun being less than average when I’m achieving Greatness.”

Turkey

They Say: “You know the white meat has the least amount of fat and is the healthiest for you, I choose to eat that.”

You say: ”Did you know the fattest turkey ever was 86 pounds? That’s the size of a large dog. And turkeys have poor night vision.”

Mashed Potatoes

They say: “You know those potatoes will be much healthier without heavy cream”

You say:”You know there are about 100 varieties of edible potatoes. Pass the cream…and the gravy.”

Pie

They say: “If you use a natural walnut crust, It’s way healthier.”

You say: ”The Biggest Pumpkin Pie ever was 2020 Pounds. Pass the whipped cream.”

Cranberries

They say: “Cranberries are full of antioxidants, I’ll take extra!”

You say: “Native Americans pounded cranberries into a paste mixed with dried meat and called it pemmican…and it wasn’t white meat.”

Stuffing

They say ” Are those multi-grain bread crumbs?”

You say: “Did you know that stuffing dates back to the Roman Empire, where the ancient cookbook “Apicius de re Coquinaria” had recipes that called for stuffed chicken, rabbit and pork.”

Gravy

They Say: “I’ll pass on the gravy, it’s not good for you.”

You Say: “You are an idiot.”

Top 10 Ways to Stay Fat on Thanksgiving

Posted by fattylanes in Fat Lists and tagged with , , , , , , , , ,

The ultimate fatty holiday is Thanksgiving. With Thanksgiving fast approaching, everywhere you look you see news stories or articles on how to avoid gaining weight. I’m here to make sure you enjoy your holiday. It only comes once a year and you only live once right? Let’s look at the top 10 ways to make sure you don’t fall into the trap of losing weight, aka not fully enjoying thanksgiving.

1. Eat a Big Breakfast

They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Just because you are feasting later, that doesn’t mean you should skip or skimp on breakfast. Load up your plate a prep your gut for the goodness to come.

2. Skip the physical activity

All the calorie counting losers around you will be looking to burn a few calories by getting outside and exercising. Big mistake. You don’t need to move, the couch will do just fine. If you must join the fam outside suggest a game of football. Volunteer to be the referee or the kicker.

3. skip the water

They say “water will make  you full and you’ll want to eat less.” Precisely the problem. You are allowed alcohol of any kind, soda or other sugary drinks, dairy and caffeine.

4.Sit around and watch football


The Green Bay vs. Detroit game might even be worth watching this year! Basketball would get the nod too…except they can’t get their act together.

5. Eat early

Note: Don't eat your cat or dog

The sooner you eat, the more time you have to eat the rest of the day. Aim for a lunchtime feast and you’ll be having some next day leftovers the same day.

6. Take two plates to start

You need to set the tone the right way. Take a minimum of two plates to start. This ensures you’ll get top notch fresh food as well as a good start to stuffing your gullet.

7. Mix in dessert with dinner

Why wait until the end of the meal for the good stuff? You should have a slice of pie on every plate you eat. Make sure you have a nice variety for dessert. Oh, and make sure you save some dessert for dessert.

8. Skip the Vegetables

Just like water, it’s a waste of taste and space in your stomach. With all the delicious Thanksgiving food, veggies should be your last option. Unless of course they are government approved veggies like pizza and french fries.

9. Gravy

Gravy is the best part of Thanksgiving. It should go on everything. Put some in your coffee. Put it on your your turkey. Put it on your pie. Drink it straight. It’s delicious.

10. Adapt an “it’s a now or never” attitude

People will say “No need to stuff your face, you can eat turkey year round.” This is true but Thanksgiving day only comes once. You can have a bbq and a watermelon in January but it’s not the same as doing it on 4th of July. To truly enjoy the holiday, you must realize it’s now or never. Eat like it will be your last Thanksgiving…chances are it might be and your heart will stop beating before the next one.

 

 

 

Fatty Lane Guide: The Food Pyramid…Occupy Domino’s

Posted by fattylanes in Fatty Lane Guide and tagged with , , , , , , , ,

Breaking News! Pizza is a vegetable! We need to eat more vegetables in order to to be healthy. If A+B=C, then we need to eat more Pizza. Congress blocked a new rule keeping pizza a vegetable so school children can now get 2 healthy servings of  french fries and pizza as their veggies during school lunches. There’s only one way to get congress to rethink their decision. We need a movement: Occupy Domino’s.

Anyways…Since Congress says pizza is a vegetable, I think we need to overhaul our entire food pyramid. This will keep school children everywhere happy.Here I present to you, The Fatty Lane food pyramid.

A Brave New (Fat) World

Posted by fattylanes in fat fun and tagged with , , , , ,

According to NPR, We are fat. If our current weight gain trend continues, 83% of men and 72% of women will be overweight or obese by 2020.  They say we should be frightened as civilians.These numbers come from Mark Huffman, an associate professor of preventative medicine and cardiology at Northwestern University.

The answer? Doctors need to stop avoiding talking with their patients about weight. Why do doctors avoid this? Because patients will stop going to the doctor if they feel they’re going going to be told they’re not losing enough weight. They recommend easier access to fruits and veggies and more P.E classes in school blah, blah, whole grains, blah, blah.

I call BS. Everyone knows the world is ending in 2012…

SSBBW Meal Finder: Eagle’s Deli Boston, Ma

Posted by fattylanes in SSBBW Meal Finder and tagged with , , , , , ,

This is a new segment to the blog. It’s a tribute to Susanne Eman who is on a mission to become the fattest woman in the world. I’m going to find her the ultimate high calorie meals around the country. Why not start in Boston, Ma where I am located.

Eagle’s Deli is a burger joint (is it still cool to call it a joint?) that serves up delicious, massive size burgers. The have small 1/4 pound kiddie burgers all the way up to to Eagle’s challenge burger, which is the ultimate SSBBW meal at Eagles.

The challenge is 5 pounds of ground beef, 20 pieces of bacon, 20 pieces of cheese, 5 pounds of fries, 1 pickle and a soda. It looks like this…

Here’s the nutrition profile:

Susanne Eman eats 20,000 calories in a day so I think she could polish this one off!

 

 

What Fat People Like: Pancakes

Posted by fattylanes in Uncategorized

Pancakes are a diabetes chaser’s dreams. Standard breakfast foods are eggs, bacon, cereal and toast. How did pancakes manage to sneak their way off the dessert menu and onto the breakfast menu?

Let’s look at the ingredients in pancakes

flour
baking powder
eggs
milk
sugar
butter
baking powder
salt

Let’s look at the ingredients in cake

flour
baking powder
eggs
milk
sugar
butter
vanilla extract

I guess there’s a couple similarities. It’s almost like a pancake is just a cake, cooked in a pan…Syrup and butter tops the pancakes just like frosting tops the cake. It’s the ultimate fat breakfast.

Freeze Fatty! It’s Cool Sculpting Time!

Posted by fattylanes in fat fun and tagged with , ,

Don’t sweat off the pounds! Freeze them off! There’s a relativity new procedure being performed called coolsculpting. It’s a body sculpting procedure that is an alternative to liposuction. It can be performed in under 2 hours and is non-invasive. It’s also less expensive than liposuction with the average cost per session between $600 and $1,200. The best part is there is no down time! You can get the operation done and head right over the the closest Chinese Food Buffet! Check out their nifty ad!