Hurricane Irene didn’t cause mass destruction or the end the world like the media predicted (and hoped) it would. This caused one media outlet to compare the storm to an “overweight jogger just holding on to the end of a run.”
When asked why she didn’t live up to her potential, Irene, like many overweight people, stated it was “too hard…her relatives were also overweight…and she has a thyroid problem.”
The Fair is the ultimate gathering place for the fat, the obese, SSBBW’s, the weird and everything in between. It’s a mecca of rides, games and overpriced food. Every Summer, the fair puts anything it can think of into a deep fryer and serves it up to hungry fairgoers all over the country. Nothing says “Fuck you I’m an American” like eating a ball of fried butter washed down with some fried coke. The newcomer this year to the deep frying circuit was the deep fried Kool-aid. Below is a list of 10 must try deep fried foods.
10. Deep fried Cheesecake
9. Deep fried Twinkie
8. Deep fried Oreo
7. Deep fried Bacon
6. Deep fried Mac and Cheese
5. Deep fried Butter
4. Deep fried cupcake
3. Deep fried Coca Cola
2. Deep Fried Krispy Kreme Burger
1. Australian Battered deep fried potatoes
Hopefully next year some one can figure out how to re-deep fry Pringles.
I wouldn’t say you’re fat, but when you sit around the house, you sit AROUND the house.
The best songs about fat people.
10. Sir-Mix-a-lot- I like big butts
Best Line: Mixalot’s in trouble
Beggin for a piece of that bubble
9. Dismemberment Plan- Onward Fat Girl
Best Line: Onward fat girl!!
8.Queen- Fat Bottomed Girls
Lyrics: In video clip
Best Line: ride ‘em cowboy
Fat bottomed girls
7.Violent Femmes- Fat
Lyrics: in video clip
Best Line: I hope you got fat
6. Julep Suntan- Drop a couple pounds
Best Line: Babygirl look like she had 10 kizzzids
So Start excersizing for more than 10 minutes
5. Wierd Al- Fat
Best Line: I’ve got more chins than Chinatown
4. Steel Panther- Fat Girl (thar she blows)
Best Line: She had boobs like watermelons,
And breath like rotten eggs
3.NWA- Fat Girl
Best Line: I was in shock
Oh my God got a fat girl on my jock
2. NOFX- Hotdog in a Hallway
Best Line: When her flesh begins to sag, she’s like a human sleeping bag
1. Zac Brown- Big Fat Bitch
Best Line: Who stole Christmas?
The Grinch
Who stole the Twinkies?
big fat bitch!
10. KFC
Gotta love the double down. KFC does the colonel right!
Gutbuster: chicken pot pie- 790 calories
Fattylane pick: double down, mashed potatoes, popcorn chicken, biscuits, Famous bowl, Pepsi
9. Arby’s
Nothing beats Arby-q-sauce.
Gutbuster: Rueben sandwich- 700 calories
Fattylane pick: 3 max beef’ sandwiches (pictured above) and a pepsi
8.Wendy’s
Dipping french fries into a frosty is a must.
Gutbuster: 3/4lb triple burger- 1030 calories
Fattylane pick: Jr. bacon cheeseburger, spicy chicken sandwich, frosty, 1/2 pound double cheeseburger
7. Carl’s Jr.
…or Hardees for the mid-westerners.
Gutbuster: Guacamole bacon six dollar burger- 1060 calories
Fattylane pick: Double western bacon cheeseburger, crisscut fries, Coke
6. Del Taco
Soooooo goood.
Gutbuster: Steak macho nachos- 1150 calories
Fattylane pick: Del Beef Burrito, 3 regular tacos, 1/2 pound bean and cheese burrito large mr. pibb
5. Dairy Queen
Land of the Blizzard
Gutbuster: Large chocolate chip cookie dough blizzard-1300 calories
Fattylane pick: Any blizzard
4. Jack in the Box
First off, Jack in the box holds one of the greatest food mysteries in the world. The tacos they advertise come out looking way different when you order them. They are insanely delicious for how horrible they look. example below.
Gutbuster: Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger- 940 calories
Fattylane Pick: jumbo jack, breakfast jack, tacos, seasoned curly fries
3. In-n-Out
Blows everyone away in terms of freshness.
Gutbuster: double double with onion- 670 calories.
Fattylane pick: 5×5 animal style with fries and a strawberry shake
2. Taco Bell
Count me in for 4th meal…and 1st 2nd and 3rd.
Gutbuster : Valcano nachos- 980 calories
Fattylane pick- 2 valcano tacos, quesadilla with ground beef, Nacho Cheese Chalupa beef and potato burrito, Pepsi
1. Wienerschnitzel
The best 2am chili dog you’ll ever eat.
Gutbuster: All beef angus chili dog on a pretzel bun 620 calories
Fattylane pick- 2 chili cheese dogs on a pretzel bun, chili cheese fries, chili cheese burger, strawberry lemonade
10. Approachable and easy to talk to
Fat girl’s won’t have every guy in the bar all over them. Chances are, you’ll have a clear path to walk right up and take her home.
9. Big and Cuddly
Just like your life size teddy bear growing up, a fat girl will be big, fluffy and cuddly. The stuffing won’t come out either from wear and tear!
8. Makes Flying easier
On vacations you’ll never have to worry about sitting next to a stranger. You’ll have your seat and the two seats next to you she’ll have to purchase.
7. Other dudes won’t hit on your girlfriend
Kiss jealousy goodbye. She’ll wont get attention from anyone else wherever you go.
6. Eat everything and anything you want
Chinese food at 3am? Yep. Two burritos for breakfast? Sounds good. Ice cream Sundae for lunch? As long as she stays fatter than you anything is fair game.
5. Family discounts at the Zoo
Whether she’s visiting relatives in the hippo exhibit or the elephant cage, she’s sure to get the family discount…because her relatives work at zoo…of course…
4. She won’t be conceited
If she’s fat, she wasn’t popular in high school, which means she won’t think she’s all that and a can of pringles.
3. Mobile water bed
The water bed was so cool in the 90′s. Now you can have your own portable water bed.
2. Insulation during the winter months
Everyone gets cold during the winter months. Curl up with a cup of hot cocoa, put on your favorite movie and wrap yourself up in arm fat
1. More cushion for the pushin’
Ahem…the most obvious reason.
SSBBW= Super-Sized Big Beautiful Woman
The SSBBW is a mythical creature similar to Big Foot, The Lockness Monster , a Yeti or a fat unicorn. It’s rumored they walked the earth with the dinosaurs millions of years ago. The modern day SSBBW is said to inhabit couches and beds. Diet is unknown, but is believed to involve large amounts of Pringles, cans included. People say SSBBW exists but one has never been spotted in the wild. There is no physical evidence a real SSBBW exists. This is in contrast to the VFVUW. The VFVUW, or the Very Fat Very Ugly Woman is a common sight in society. They can be seen everywhere and are not in any danger of becoming extinct like their long lost relative.
6. Jack Black
Mustache style: The Zorro
What this mustache says: I’m daring, artistic, and possibly insane.
5. Mike Ditka
Mustache Style: The Magnum
What this mustache says: “Fuck you Tom Sellck, this is called the Ditka.”
4. Zach Galifianakis
Mustache style: The John Wilkes Booth
What this mustache says: You can’t quite grow a Lincoln Beard.
3. Ron Jeremy
Mustache Style: The Whispy Stalin
what this mustache says: 8==================D
2. Rod Beck
Mustache Style: The Fu Manchu
What this mustache says: Combined with the mullet, it says I represent the South.
1. The Pringles Guy
Mustache Style: The Dupond
What this mustache says: I’m thin crispy and delicious. And I won’t get your hands greasy!
Last Friday the USDA rejected Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s proposal to ban New York City’s food stamp users from buying soda. New York city’s health commissioner was “very upset” by the decision and questioned how serious the USDA is about the nation’s most serious nutritional problem.
The USDA doesn’t realize there’s a HUGE Coca-Cola problem problem on the streets of New York and according to one man, it may spread through the rest of the country if something isn’t done. A man from The Bronx, who we’ll call “Tyrone” to protect his real identity, has given us an inside look at what the real problem is.
“It’s the kids I feel bad for, they’re starting to use younger and younger.” Tyrone said looking up at the Bronx River Housing project.
Tyrone has been a coke retailer, known as a dealer, on the streets of New York for 15 years.
“It wasn’t always like this man…kids today,” Tyrone pauses in a moment of reflection, “They’re different. I see kids coming up to me as young as 6 who need their fix. I think to myself, this kid is 6 years old and is already turning to Coke.”
Tyrone says he has a diverse clientele sells to all different types of people.
“I’ve sold coke to kids, parents, grandparents, athletes, doctors you name it. Everyone loves Coke. It makes you feel great! From that first sip of Coke, you’re just happier. It makes you outgoing and talkative. It gives you an energy boost and makes you feel on top of the world. The more you Coke you have, the more you want.”
Asked if he felt his work was wrong, Tyrone responded “I’m just the middle man. I get the Coke from a guy who knows a supplier who knows a Coke runner who distributes product all over the world. I’m just a low level pusher trying to feed my family.”
A nurse who works the night shift at St. Barnabas Hospital said she needs Coke several times throughout the night to keep her going.
“It can be hard to get that late at night. Sometimes I need to check 2 or 3 vending machines before I can get my Coke fix. Without it, I’d be tired and sluggish. I’d say I’m an addict.”
Coke addiction is a growing problem. Too much coke can lead to obesity, which causes and estimated 100,000-400,000 deaths per year.
To put this number in perspective, only 235 people die from Cocaine use every year.
Susanne Eman is on a quest to become the fattest woman ever. She currently tips the scales at around 730 pounds. She plans to be 800 pounds by the end of next year and 1,600 pounds in the next 10 years. Currently 32 years old, the 1600 pound mark should be reached by the time she is 41 or 42 if she continues her 20,000 calorie per day diet.
A typical day includes
Breakfast:
6 scrambled eggs in butter
4 potatoes
6 pieces of toast
32 ounce cream shake
2 liter soda
1 bag BBQ flavored chips
ham and cheese sandwich
Breakfast Calories=10,044
Lunch
3 beef and bead burritos
with her not so fat sister
1 cup sour cream
1 head of lettuce
1 cup cherry tomatoes
1 cup carrots
1 cucumber
1/2 cup ranch dressing
bacon bits
1 cup cheese
1 cup chicken
Lunch Calories=2932
Dinner:
12 tacos
1 cup sour cream
2 liter soda
8 scoops vanilla ice cream
1 pan of brownies
Dinner calories= 8986
Total Daily Calories= 21962
That’s 23.5 cans of pringles for the record. She makes one 8 hour trip to the grocery store per month and spends 8 hours stocking up on food. It’s unknown how many motorized scooters the grocery store goes through per visit. Susanne claims she is healthier and happier than ever. Apparently there’s a fine line between confidence and delusion. She “waddles and stretches and exercises every day.” She actually used those words. She claims to be attracting more men than ever! Her ex-husband was unavailable for comment but word is he just didn’t like her personality.
I must say, there is something about an obese person manning up and not bitching and making excuses for why they’re so fat. She knows exactly why she’s so fat. It’s still disgusting but at least she thinks she’s beautiful. And the fat fetish hunters out there boost her self esteem and keep her amused. She has even arranged for her sister to take care of her children if (when) she dies from her weight problem. Now that’s a responsible parent.
